A lot of things have happened this week.
I’m still giddy about the comments and grade I got on my comm theory paper.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend.
Dave will be out of town from Thursday to Monday drinking and gambling in Atlantic City, and maybe watching a basketball game or two.
I have an interview for Thursday at the Dayton City Paper for an internship.
I have a test tomorrow morning that I haven’t studied for.
I have made an appointment Friday morning at the career center for help with job searching.
I’ve cooked dinner, I’ve gone to the grocery store, I’ve bathed the baby and put her to bed.
I can’t turn off the TV to study hard enough to be confident tomorrow.
And now it’s 9:30 on a Tuesday night and all I want to do is go to bed and not have to worry about anything. Every time I go to bed with worry or anxiety or stress I have dreams all night. The kind of dreams that make me feel like I didn’t sleep at all once I wake up in the morning.
But I have to at least finish my study guide. I have to remind myself that I DO have something to wear to this interview Thursday and I WILL find it. Shoes, too. I have to breathe through the thought of Dave being gone and not resent him for having a yearly vacation that he gets to take with friends even though if I had the money to begin with I couldn’t go on vacation because I couldn’t leave Kate with him because his schedule is not ours. I have to count down from 10 as many times as it takes to be ok with dishes in the sink and vegetable oil in the rocking chair and I will clean it all up tomorrow. Or the next day.
Tonight is the night that I get overwhelmed.
I should probably just put my books away, turn off the TV and go to bed, watch another episode of Law and Order: SVU and forget about life for a couple hours until the morning.
I want to leave my manic panicked state behind for a while and just… crash.