4/12/2011

How come i can forget millions of things a day, but when there’s one thing in particular that i don’t want to think about, it’s all that’s there?
Why does it take so much effort to fill your mind with busywork just to avoid one thought? How come it takes 40 just to replace 1? Why do we torture ourselves with nagging thoughts and fruitless ideas? We dont, i guess, but our brains do. I wish itd just let us forget. How come we can’t forget on command, or store away information to be accessed later, like on a computer?
Like when you get a million compliments, you’ll only remember the one criticism. One bad apple spoils the barrel. There are so many things to be thankful for in life, yet we zoom in on the bad part. The one bad part, that may not always be bad, but is horrible right now, is consuming.
I wish i could go all day thinking about my tasks and responsibilities as a normal person and continue being positive when i sit down to watch tv or take a shower once the fuss of the day has ended. But instead, i stand in the silence of the house, all alone, turn the shower as hot as it will go, and feel sorry. Not for myself this time. But horrible.
Why can’t i think about bad things only when i need? It does no use to worry. Its like a rocking chair, right? But i cant stop rocking. I have nothing else to think about, nothing as powerful as the itch that depresses my brain and forces me, tortures me into thinking about it.
Ive never worried about anyone the way I worry now. Ive never felt the sort of raw emotion that comes after seeing someone drowning when you cant save them. I feel it now. I wish i didn’t have to all the time, but the mind isn’t a file system. I cant thumb through my memories and pick out the good ones. I cant edit recent ones to make them a little more colorful. And i cant burn the bad ones. Theres nothing i can do, thats the hardest part.
You always think you are in control of yourself and your surroundings, until someone throws a wrench in there that you cant pull out. It hurts and it grinds and it nags and it breaks your heart, but all i can do is sit in my rocking chair and worry.

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