Uncomfortably numb.

Have you ever made a decision that should qualify as a major lifer, but felt largely uneffected by it? I’ve done it. It’s happening. Rather, nothing’s happening.

I’ve made a decision that has completely changed the entire course of my life and where I thought it was going and it’s making me feel… nothing. I’ve fone into autopilot. My days are a series of motions and for the momoent I’m just going through them. Is it shock? I hope not because that insinuates an impending moment of realization¬† that I really would prefer not to deal with. Maybe the decision I’ve made isn’t as monumental as I’d imagined it should be.

I was looking for this major change to happen — a massive, earthshaking effect to come out of this entire situation — and it’s not. So, when will I feel different? When will I feel like my choices mean something? Will it be the first night I lay down to sleep in a home that isn’t the one my child was born into? Or is there something about this town that makes everything feel like nothing? I’ve become so numb to my potential that any change I make in this environment is insignificant because I’m just still here.

I never planned to stay here, and I’m to the point now that any plan I make while still here just doesn’t matter. I can’t move forward. I just need to go somewhere.

I need to feel alive.

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