It’s no secret that Dave is trying to keep Kate from leaving the state with me to the job and home that I’ve found there. It could be the stress of three days of driving I spent last week to move into a house I immediately had to leave; Or it could be the toll taking a red-eye flight in an aisle seat takes when immediately followed by a four hour drive to a city I thought I’d never have to come back to; Or it could be the uncertainty that consumes the next indeterminate amount of time in my life. But I’m having a hard time.
I made a decision, largely for myself. To move. And now Kate’s sleeping on a pullout couch in a blackened hotel room. And I’m sitting in the other room of that same hotel room, one I can’t afford, waiting for tomorrow to come where it will be decided what new place Kate’s going to be spending the next few months.
I know I thought my decision to move completely through. I know it’s what’s best and necessary. But I can’t help but think that I’ve made a mistake. Doubt is petrifying.
I hate myself for putting Kate through this, even though I doubt she has any idea what’s going on. I hate myself for getting myself into a situation like this to begin with, where someone else has seeming control over my decision making and what I think is right for my child. And I hate her father for putting my in this position — having to prove my worth as a parent where at the same time he makes me doubt my most basic ability to be one.
How dare I put my selfish desire for happiness above the goodwill of my child, and how dare someone else make me feel as though that’s what I’m doing?
I need this nightmare to be over. I need tomorrow to be the beginning of the end. I need to wash the mascara off my pillowcases and have it be for the last time.
I want to smile when I sneak into my baby’s room at night to hold her, not drip tears on her forehead. I want to know she’s happy, not just desperately hope. I want to make her a home, not just give her a place to stay for a while, until the next place to stay (that her father will agree with) comes along.
I want to know what I’m doing is good. Because if it’s not, what the hell am I doing at all?